Fancy Pants News: These People Be On the Nets for Books and Libraries

So I been ill for a day or so,
so I'll try to be funny all in one go.
Not trying to rhyme,
not all the time.
This is breaking down.
I feel like a clown.
So here's the news, this time I mean it.
Anybody got a peanut?

Singer lady Taylor Swift donated over 6,000 books to- I'ma let you finish I just need a cheap cameo.  Whine, whine, who's got wine?- the city of Reading, PA. cbsnews

A homeless man in the Evanston Public Library threw a chair through a wall after over a banning dispute for behavior. That'll fix it, hombre. Patch

Librarians turned defacement into an art show when play-write Joe Orton's artistic vandalism of library books was put on display.  Well, way to fix the problem.  Got a crazy notion to write your memoirs in library book bindings?  Hey, we may publish that. Guardian

Pace University has commented on shutting down the Henry Birnbaum Library due to bedbugs, saying, "Yep, we got bedbugs." gothamist

Self-published wunderkind author Amanda Hocking is moving into the world of graphic novels with Dynamite Entertainment.  Write on, ya crazy kid!  PublishersWeekly

Children's book illustrator Sophie Blackall has created a book based on Craigslist's "Missed Connections" section.  "You were in red, I had a gimp mask on.  We were on the subway and you really creeped me out by asking if I wanted to pose nude for the delight of children.  I still do." NYDailyNews

Toronto library staff have proposed to cut staff and hours in an effort to appease Mayor Rob Ford's requests that budgets be trimmed.  Next, Toronto police will buy their own bullets and gas and teachers will... hell, teachers got nothing either.  citytv

Library Crime News: Only Two But You Will Lose Hope For Humanity

The library justice system the people are separated by two separate but equal parts, the librarians, who investigate the crimes, and the administration, who... well, they administer.  And sometimes the two are the same people.  Or person.  Stuff happens.  These are their stories.

In Colonie, NY a man stands accused of taking pictures in a library up a woman's skirt with a cell phone.  The two were in the Colonie Public Library when the woman felt uncomfortable with the man across from her.  When she went to stand, she heard the sound of a camera.  After police were called, the man was found to be taking photos of the woman from under the table.  WNYT
What the fuck is wrong with you, dude?  Put your phone on silent in the library.  That's just rude.  Bet he talks in movie theatres, too.

The Thompson Library in Thompson, Connecticut had its windows shot out.  Multiple windows around the library were shot with a pellet gun on two separate occasions.  The windows were custom-made double-paned glass and will cost a substantial amount to replace.  WTNH 
Anyone knowing any information about this crime should beat the hell out of the people who did it.  Shooting up the library with a pellet gun?  Really?  Probably some spoiled bastard who for some reason or another can not use the Internet anymore.  At least man up and use a real gun so that its not a disappointment to find out after the headline that you are just a jerk.

Arrest Made in Missouri Library Fire Case

This guy did not start the fire

A Columbia, MO man has been arrested regarding the Friday fire at the University of Missouri Ellis Library.  The small fire was kept under control by sprinklers until firefighters could put it out with fire extinguishers.  Here's my favorite part:

"Video images released yesterday show [Christopher] Kelley in the library at the time of the alleged incident, Weimer said. Several computer screens were damaged on the fourth floor and human feces was found on a table. Investigators believe Kelley acted alone." Columbia Tribune

 "Human feces was found on a table."  What kind of day was this guy having?  I am racking my brain for a day in my life so bad that it could be summed up with the sentence: "...so I took a crap on a library table and decided to burn that mother down."  Did he have some particularly strong coffee that morning and then decide to hide the evidence?  I guess we may never know...

Creepy Librarian Suspended After Girls Complain

A librarian in a government school in Panchkula, India has been suspended for indecent behavior towards girl students.

"The girls of this school had collectively complained that the librarian should not take their adjustment classes as his behavior is inappropriate. The girls of classes 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10 had indicated that during the adjustment period, he sends all the boys out of their class to the playground and girl students remain in the class itself. His behavior during this period is not appropriate," the spokesman said, quoting the complaint. NDTV

Oh, holy hell.  Why the hell is this guy in charge of anyone?  Without knowing exactly what he did, I know this guy looks creepy.  He ain't no smooth talker.  This is not James Dean kicking back and flirting with students just below his age.  I bet you five dollars that this guy sports some type of comb-over and a creepy smile that he twitches his fingers together.  Somebody adult should have noticed the creep factor before now.  Bless the kids who spoke up and did not just accept it.

Library Crime News, Cause People Sometimes Suck

A bit more crime happened this week other than Mike and his Superman collection and Skeeter getting arrested.  Here's what went down:

A Carlsbad, CA woman was arrested for swiping around 2,000 library materials from San Diego Public Libraries.  Where the hell was Lindsey Lohan this week?  laist

A librarian in Polk County, FL was charged with cyber-stalking a woman by hacking her Facebook account and email.  Just remember, ladies, librarians are good with computers... and your lady parts. abcactionnews

A retired Washington librarian and boy scout leader stands accused of sexually molesting two children in his capacity of a scout leader.  Community calls bullshit.  Where the hell was Michael Jackson this... oh, oh, sorry, too soon. News Tribune

A New Zealand man was arrested for putting his face in a woman's butt in the parenting section of the library.  Now that is how you get banned from a library.  Herald Sun

A Dublin, OH librarian was suspended and fined for cutting the shelves of a school library with a circular saw.  Re-read that.  We do not know whether he cut them for a library related reason or if they were just giving him the runaround.  NBC4i

Let's end on an awesome note, shall we:  When a Catholic school girl recieved her school's banned book list, she felt all kinds of groady about it.  She started loaning her copies of the books to her friends, then the entire school.  Her locker became a banned books library and she branched out to the locker next door, too.  This story has everything I like:  banned books, lockers, branches, and Catholic school girl outfits.  I am a dirty old man.  Babble

Return Your Library Books In Iowa or Face Jail... YAY IOWA!!

Pictured: Wait, is that shirt tie-dye?

Christopher Anspach, 28, served 10 days in jail plus a fine for not returning library books from the Newton Public Library in Newton, Iowa.  The gentleman was given multiple chances to return the books and other materials, worth around $770, before the police were contacted.

No update as to whether he was laughed at so hard by the other inmates that he was physically blasted from his cell by the force of sound alone and further charged with escaping from jail via being a dumbass.  Return your damn library books, people!

thesmokinggun via huffpost

Crying Baby's Mama Goes to Court

An Atlanta mother who was asked to leave a library because of a crying baby is facing trial on obstruction of a police officer.  The incident happened when the mother was asked to leave a Dekalb County library because her child was being too loud.  As she left, she allegedly became irate and began cursing in front of children which lead to her being arrested.  If convicted, she faces a 12 month jail sentence. Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Do I believe a mother was asked to leave a library because of a crying baby?  Yeah, I have done it myself.  Do I believe the mother would become upset?  Yeah, I have faced that dragon before.  What I cannot believe is that the police would become involved if this was a simple screaming match.  I can only assume someone went all nuts somewhere in this but I can not speculate how.  I will assume Facebook was somehow involved, however. 

Let me 'splain.  No, too long, let me sum up.  The only parents with unruly or overly loud children I have ever asked to leave the library where the parents that were not watching their children.  I have bent over backwards for a single mom trying to fill out job applications, dads that need to get in and out with a cart of DVDs, and new parents that just do not quite know how grandma gets the rugrat to calm down so quickly.  But the parents that refuse to parent, the ones that sit on Facebook while Junior unplugs equipment like an IT tech and checks every room in the library for an echo factor.... They do not last long.  

I am not saying that this was the case with the DeKalb County lady.  I am just saying I understand.

Update: Mom gives her side which contradicts police report. Also, the title of this story is incorrect, the baby was only laughing, not crying. Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Bastard Man Steals from Library and Sells Items Online

James F Jackson, alleged douchebag

A Glen Ellyn, IL man was charged with the theft of thousands of Lisle Public Library and other area library materials.  James F. Jackson took the books, DVDs and other items, often researching their value before selling them online.   No word on exactly how many materials he took.

Jackson was charged with theft over $300, theft of governmental property, and library theft.  I did not even know that last one was a real crime. "Library theft?"  I thought that was something douchbags, forgetful elderly, and stoned college students did.  Does that mean I can start threatening people with this?  "And if ya don't bring My Little Pony: The Movie back on time, I'm siccing Officer Roscoe on ya, little girl!"

Did ya ever thing you would read an article with a loser fat dude's picture and reference to the My Little Pony movie without feeling really sick inside?  You're welcome.

dailyherald

Stealing, Losing Money and Outsourcing: This Week in Library Stuff

A former Yonkers library worker has plead not guilty to stealing over $160,000.  As part of the library's business office, Margret Reed had ample opportunity to allegedly steal the missing money and alter records, so claims the prosecution.  So, let me get this straight... you get away with $26ishK a year of library money and you keep doing it for 6 years cause you're so cool?  What the hell, lady?  I could see if you had a sick cat or something, but you don't.  You are just a messed up fraud that needs a mommy.  LoHud

A cafe in the Laramie County Library of Cheyenne, Wyoming has lost about $43K in the last fiscal year.  The cafe space was once operated by an outside company until they were evicted from the library space for late rent.  Since then, the library has been staffing the cafe.  And how.  I did a lot of restaurant work.  Many library skills apply: attention to detail, ability to make coffee, good with inventory.  Where do librarians almost always suck: money.  Seriously, there's usually only one person in the building that can count down a drawer and they do it with a giant calculator.  The kind with a slot machine arm.  WyomingNews

Well, the ALA has reared its head and talked a little about "privatization," ACBKA (also could be known as) "outsourcing."  In a document called Keep Libraries Public, the ALA points out that outsourcing is not privatization and libraries should keep it all in the family except when they don't have to.  I think Michael Corleone thought that, too.  Just like the people we talked about with the cafe, there are some things that libraries should not do.  Hell, I think I would give my right arm to have Kinko's come in and take over the labs and copies.  I would love to see that.  Meet Bob, he's a Kinko's dude, is better trained and better paid than 90% of our paraprofessionals.  Call him if you need help navigating the strange land of The Google.  They could probably write that off on their taxes.  LibraryJournal

Liebarry Internetz Safe as Houses #liebarrywinning

A public library in Hernando, MS busted local preacher Eddie Prince after he allegedly looked at child pornography on the library's computers after bypassing the library's filters.  Patrons and staff noticed what the man was viewing and straight cold busted him.

Not exactly, but whatev's

I really have nothing to say about this.  How the hell do I make this funny?  Or funnier, depending on your viewpoint.  Here's one way, brought to you by WREG News in Memphis.  I can only assume that WREG felt the library might be at fault with the preacher getting past their Internet filters, so they asked what I can only assume is a random local about her kids and the library.  Here is what she had to say, "If I was gonna send 'em someplace to use the computer, it would be here because of the security because I know they can't access anything they're not supposed to, like trash."  There you have it.  Rather than send her children to McDonald's or a strip club or a strange preacher's house to use the Internet, she would rather send her children to the library.  That's what I call #liebarrywinning

WREG via LISNews

Coloring Book Drug Smugglin': Takes Me Back to Preschool

That ain't yellow dye #5

Three inmates and two civilians are facing charges when it was found they were smuggling the drug Suboxone  pasted onto coloring book pages into the Cape May County Correctional Center.  After following a tip, officers began scanning the jail's mail until they found the coloring pages.  

Kinda puts all those kids running around the Children's Department into perspective, huh?  Remember, the next time a toddler gives you a drawing outside the lines, you get that down to the boys in the crime lab, STAT.  Or I guess you could lick the paper and see if you catch a buzz.  More likely you will catch flu, but whatevs.  That's the price you pay for fast livin'.  Remember, what happens in the play area, stays in the play area.

MSNBC via Geekologie

Library Crime: Librarian Alegedly Steals $163,000

Margo Reed, a Yonkers librarian, allegedy stole $163,000 over a six year period while collecting late fees and fines.  According to this article, police say she also altered library records to hide the funds, much like one of those crazy embezzlers from high falootin' movie pictures. 

Now this is a lady that does it right (allegedly)!  Why mess around selling books on Ebay or throwing ketchup everywhere?  This lady wanted to get paid (allegedly)!  Hell, that's enough to put a down payment on a really nice house.  What do you spend that kind of money on?  Damn sure not your taxes.

Ex-librarian Sold Stolen Books on Ebay

Or for Jerk-wad Librarians

Ex-librarian Gillian Polding allegedly (there's that word again) sold stolen library books on eBay.  The Harrow Times reports the Harrow Council says this was a "shocking abuse of position and theft from the public purse which is all the more galling given the financial challenges we face" which is a very British way of saying, "Crazy bitch done sold all our books." 

This does serve to remind us what a shocking amount of power we wield as librarians.  It also shows that used library books do sell on eBay, so if that booksale is not going quite like you want try going digital.

Library Condiment Vandal Faces Jail Time

When you reach for a weapon, make it Heinz.

An 75 year-old Idaho woman is facing jail time for repeatedly dumping condiments into the public library's book drop, allegedly, this article from The Economist repor-  Stop.  You had me at "repeatedly."

The inappropriately named Joy Cassidy allegedly did this 10 times over the past two years.  Her reason?  She had some "conflicts... with library patrons and staff."  I can see being pissed about a fine, rolling through the book drop and shoving the first thing you see into the book drop.  I myself have found some odd stuff in that box o' love, most of which I take as crimes of passion.  But repeatedly dumping "ketchup, maple syrup and mayonnaise"?  That is the act of someone with too much time on their hands after grocery shopping.  

I can see Cassidy pimping up to the 'drop in her 1983 Oldsmobile, her friend Flo "Sundance" Smithderson at the wheel.  Cassidy leans out, two squeeze bottles of Heinz 57 in her hands.  A splash of red in the noon sunlight across a library sign.  Onward to Bolivia, you crazy bitches!