Modern Day Pirate Finds Treasure, Fails to Save Children

The treasure of Eric the Three-Toed has been unearthed by a local computer pirate at the cost of several children’s lives. Paul M Denopolis, 66, was found near the Opal River caves where the treasure has been hidden for nearly 1300 years.

Denopolis made news last week when he pirated Paula Deen recipes at the Banned Library. Denopolis had gone into hiding at the Old Dirty Cabin Restaurant when several children interrupted his meal last Thursday. The children have been identified as the same children that went missing last week. The man stopped using the restaurant’s free wifi to ask why they were so excited. He tells the story in his own words:

“They had this old map and a kinda key like thing. I told them they should just leave that old thing with me, but they insisted on looking for the treasure. I thought they were silly, especially when that older boy showed up with that frilly bike. Well, they went on down the hole in the basement so I chased... followed after them. It was horrible. One by one those little punks died by all those crazy traps. Why the hell was there traps down there anyway? So’s I followed them, like I said, trying to.. um... protect them... yeah, and they just all died. We woulda turned back but those kids just would not let me, even as they all died down there. Then we found all that treasure and the last kid, poor punk, he fell down and chopped himself six times with an old viking pirate ax. He just kept falling down.”

Denopolis has said he will use the treasure to pay off any court fees from his many piracy civil cases and to buy all the cookbooks he can find. The frilly bike has been identified as the same that was stolen last week from the library and was returned to owner Tina Smith. 

 
In related news, demolition has begun on the houses where the children lived by the evil land developer to build casinos.

Frilly Little Bicycle Stolen from Library by Teenager

A muscular teenager in workout gear was seen stealing a little girl’s frilly pink bicycle early this morning from the Banned Library.

“It was just like in that movie, The Goonies,” a witness said, “You know, when the older brother is going after the younger ones who have that treasure map and he steals the little girl’s bike? Man, that was a good movie. Speaking of treasure map, what ever happened to that Viking Pirate Treasure Map that was found during the library’s Easter Egg hunt cleanup?”

This is not the only bike that has been stolen from the library this year, just the only one that belonged to a little girl and was stolen by a teenager just like in an 80s movie.

Anyone with information should contact Tina Smith. A tea party may be in it for you.

6-Year-Old Thinks Sticker Is Fucking Awesome

Tina Smith thinks the sticker she received today in the Banned Library is fucking awesome.  Betty Lou from circulation gave the child the sticker after issuing Tina her first library card.

"I don't think I have ever seen a child so happy to get such a small thing," Betty Lou said, "she just thinks it's the best thing ever."

Tina's mother, Roberta Smith, 22, thinks otherwise, "Great, now I won't get to check my email in peace without 'Mom, look how fucking awesome my stuipid sticker is.' Whatever."

After plastering the fucking awesome star-shaped, glittery red and green sticker to her face, Tina walked around the library asking anyone she saw if they wanted to touch it.  Few took her up on the offer.