Arrested Again

I lifted my hands and turned away from the body to face Detective Parker. After the events this weekend, I did not want to give him any reason to shoot me. The gun in his hand raised a bit as I moved, daring me to do something. I stayed on my knees.

“Look, Gerald...” I said.

“Shut the fuck up. That who I think it is?” he said.

I looked down and nodded, “She called the library. Hysterical. I came right over.”

“Jesus, Banned. What kind of monster are you? First the girl, now this?”

I Find Her

Mom had a lot of questions for me on Monday, mostly about why my hand was so damaged and why Detective Parker had been waiting when she arrived to open the library. I told her in as vague a terms as I could that there had been a little misunderstanding at the Honky Tonk, but that everything was okay. She pursed her lips in that way only mother’s can and left it alone while we were in the library.

I spent the morning shelving, getting rid of the clutter that had accumulated over the weekend. Then, at around ten, Mom answered the phone.

“Betty... Hon, slow down. It’s okay, it’s okay, just slow down. Evan? It’s Betty. She wants to talk to you.”

Mom covered the phone and held it away from her mouth, “She sounds hysterical. You need to calm her down. And you tell me at once if if sounds like she needs an ambulance.”

I nodded and took the phone.

Storm Passes

A wind has blown the rain away and blown the sky away and all the leaves away, and the trees stand. I think, I too, have known autumn too long. - e. e. cummings

There is a point when the truth is absurd. Just ridiculous. But there it is, right in front of you and you have to except it because why else would it be happening otherwise?

Case in point: When I was ten, I found out (SPOILER ALERT) there was no Santa Claus. Sure, I had my doubts and logic started to seep in, but the human brain is nothing without the capacity to keep hope alive. Especially if that hope drops off a buttload of goodies once a year. But my parents, in a nice gesture, took me aside one day and basically said, “Look, we know you are old and probably figured out that Santa Claus isn’t real but don’t tell your sister just yet cause she’s younger than you and should figure that out on her own.” Why they had to tell me my sister was younger than me is odd, but more for the point of exposition than anything.

So the myth that a fat North Polian in a red suit was not breaking and entering in my house as I had been lead to believe all my life was exposed by the very people who had been perpetuating that myth all along. To top it all off, my parents were the one’s dropping off the presents all along. On the next Christmas, when I crawled out of bed early in the morning to look at the haul, my mind flashed with alternating images: The fake one I had believed all my life with the jolly old elf pulling presents from a ginormous bag or the real one with two middle class parents pulling toys out of the attic and stacking them around the tree. The truth was a bitter, strange pill that day. I wanted to believe the lie, because the truth seemed ridiculous based on previous “knowledge.” But there you go.

Birds Sing After Storms

“Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever remains to them?” - Rose Kennedy

During a severe storm, the best thing you can do is find a place with few windows and settle in with a good story. See, whatever is happening outside, you must remember that there is nothing you can do about it. Worrying will not stop the wind and the rain. You cannot reason with it, or bargain for it to come back on a day you are more prepared. Just hunker down and wait for it to pass with a strong roof over your head, a story at the ready, and maybe if you are lucky, someone to tell that story to.

During the last big storm, I was alone. As Katrina raged around me, sat in a small exposed apartment and drank beer after beer. A few times I stepped outside for a smoke break. One of those times I recall flicking my cigarette out into the darkness and seeing the small cherry fire vanish into the wind. My neighbor called out to me, “Kinda windy, itn’t it?” I agreed.

As of this storm, I found myself with a fairly large group huddled in the library’s sub basement computer lab. The wind lashed at the high windows and rain beat at the steel doors that lead outside into the parking lot. Water pooled around the bottom of the doors, but we shored it back with several sandbags already made for the occasion.

I would have sent everyone home earlier, but the madman with the gun would not let us leave.

The Week Fall Apart

Sorry about the lack of posts from the library, folks, but this has been a rough week. Just when you think everything is coming together, things fall apart. I would say the events started with the board’s decision last Saturday, but at least I could put that off until Monday when it becomes reality. Well, almost. I still had to call Natalie and tell her that she did not get the job. She said she was fine, but she hides her emotions well. That’s the part that scares me, that she is hiding her disappointment when I know she really wanted this to work. We scheduled a dinner for tonight to talk about it, but, like I said, things fall apart.

Interviews - Ava Devillis

Today is the one interview for the children’s librarian position I have been dreading and after yesterday’s stellar pyromaniac conversation I can only hope to zone out and let Betty do all the questioning before I can really check out during story time. Which is what I did.

So as you may or may not know, today’s person of interest is Ava Devillis. She has caused a few problems at story time in the past and made herself out to be somewhat a problem patron. Why, you ask, do we allow her to interview for a job? Well... the applicant pool was sparse and despite having no MLIS she does have extensive experience with building management and children. Yeah, I know, the MLIS thing made me say “whoa” to the whole thing, too, but times are tough. We could potentially pay a “Children’s Program Director” much much less than a full on librarian if she had a popsicle’s chance on a Mississippi sidewalk of me agreeing to hire her.

So she came in, on time and rather fetchingly dressed. For all her mental concerns, I can say that Ms. Devillis does cut a striking figure as well as exude a confident, motherly attitude for one so young. Then she opened her mouth.

Interviews - Paul Folds

Day 3 of Interview Week. The first two days had gone so well. Honestly, I think we packed it that way, get the good out first so we could string together the nightmare team. I had hoped everything would be okay but hope is a dangerous thing, my friends. Hope can lead you down some dark paths, paths that test the mind and worry the spirit.

Then days come where hope smacks against the wall like an egg on Halloween night, all trick and no treat.

Truth be told, I trusted Betty scan the resumes. She trusted me to read them.

Trust and hope are a fucking brutal pair when jobs are on the line. Let me explain.

Meet Paul Folds. On paper, a genial sort of fellow. I approved him for interview after Darling and Natalie after Betty handed me his resume.

“This one has some library experience,” she said.

Without looking, I put his folder on the interview pile. Here is an excerpt from our conversation with Mr. Folds:

Interviews - Natalie Ford

Today continues yesterday’s theme: interviews!

I know, I thought the exclamation point would make that more exciting, too. I guess the lesson is less is more. Anyway, I am excited so the point of exclamation was not just me gussying up a boring sentence.

Today we interviewed my good friend Natalie Ford, my personal choice for our children’s librarian position. Besides being cute, funny and just pleasant to be around, Ms. Ford is also a qualified librarian, MLIS and all. I wanted this interview to go so well.

And it did.

Interviews - Darling McCraw

Today begins the week of interviews for the children’s librarian position. As I have stated, I already have someone in mind but formality dictates that myself and Betty spend at least an hour talking with several people so that we can tell the board we made an informed choice.

The kicker comes in that we do not actually hire staffed positions. Betty and I do all the leg work to promote and interview prospective librarians and the board of directors take the one we recommend and do whatever the hell they like. Is it fair? In some ways I guess it does add a check and balance to the process, but the board has been so erratic lately I am worried.

That worry aside, today we sat down with Darling McCraw. After looking over his resume, I found my eyebrows being raised more than once at the kids qualifications. I hate that he is still in library school, or I would put him up for the reference librarian position right now. However, I can hire him as a regular worker. Hint: That’s what’s going to happen. I don’t need board approval for my paraprofessionals so they can suck it. And hopefully not read this.

Anyway, there’s some notes Betty and I took during Darling McCraw’s interview:

College Prep

With Betty back, I can leave the realms of story time alone to her and concentrate on other matters. Today, I got to leave the library behind and visit my almamater, the Banned County Polytechnic and Library School.

You may be asking, "Does Evan Banned moonlight as a professor, teaching young librarians the ins and outs of this noble profession?"

Hell no. I am no teacher. I am barely a public speaker. Yet, on occasion, I do go down to the home of Possum Pride and tell the non-library students what the library has to offer when it comes time to do their five paragraph, six page research papers that will keep them up with terror. I am a giver.

So I present to you a generic exchange that is common in these "lectures.":

Applying for Destruction

My dear Betty has returned from her trip around the southeast just in time to help me sort through all the applicants for the children’s position. And to call the five we choose in for interviews.

What? Don’t look at me like that, I’m terrible on the phone.

Actually, we only have to narrow down three applicants. I know for a fact Natalie Ford is getting an interview as is Darling McCraw. I also hope these two will be employed by this time next month. Natalie simply deserves the job and Darling, while under-qualified at the moment, could help us out in a big bad way and eventually fill the open reference position we have been neglecting.

Betty Goes Quilting

Once again I was saddled with story time duty this fine Tuesday. I say that like I did not expect it to be, that it came from nowhere, but Betty put in her request for time off months ago and her quilts are spectacular.

Note, this will not put children to sleep.

For those that listen to the podcast, you will remember last week when we talked about Betty’s magnificent quilting skills. From the tapestry art developed on large scroll-like mechanism to her 3D quilt sculptures, Betty has truly made quilting into an art form. I beg you to look up on her reproduction of Picasso’s Guernica without shedding a tear.

Think this, but quilter.  And bigger.  Not so blurry.

As a young child, Betty was told by her grandmother that she was The Quilter. This mythical being, born once in a generation, was foretold to bring warmth to the world through the art of the quilt. Her grandmother taught her to stitch from the age of four, training her in the dark room of the local photo center until she could cut swatches in perfect geometric shapes. Betty told me she does not believe the legend, but her work speaks for itself.

So, Betty has left us to join the Southeast Regional Quilting Tour. We wish her well.

So well do we wish her. So well. For the entire week.

At least nobody gave me any trouble today, though. Except the Stiller kid vomiting grape soda all over the giant Curious George, but that’s par for the field diamond sports metaphor.

That made sense, right?

Quiet and the Storm

Oh, Monday, how you can surprise me. The first half of today was absolutely quiet. Instead of the usual crowd clambering at the door to check their email after one day of deprivation, no one waited to get in the library.

Which is good because I doubt the integrity of our computers right now, especially with Dave on leave for his dad’s funeral. For anyone wondering about our dour computer jockey, Dave is handling the tragedy as well as can be expected.

Then the screaming started.

“What happened? Where is it? What have you done to it?” Carol Anne Kinney said.

When It Pours...

Rain, rain...

“It’s raining. It’s pouring. The librarian is snoring. He went to bed with a bump on his head and he couldn’t shelve books in the morning.” 

That’s a little rhyme about the dangers of concussions my mother used to sing to me. Seems pretty freaking dark, now that I think about it, but it fits the mood for today’s entry. Cue theatrical lightning/thunder.

Meeting of the Board

Another Memorial Day has come and gone. I hope everyone remembered the fallen soldiers out there and all my librarian friends out there enjoyed a long weekend. And boy, was it a long weekend.

Behold! Habaneros!

Saturday started with a little light gardening (my habanero peppers above are growing like monsters, should be a great crop this year) then back to the library for the monthly board meeting. I know it takes a lot of scheduling to get some of the town’s most important people together and the last Saturday of every month is easy to remember, but it plays hell with a nice Saturday where I would rather be lying by the pool. On top of all that, seems they came with some business.

The Problem with Story Time

The problem with story time is that it involves children. Small people. You know, morons. They demand colorful pictures, engaging voices, all types of interesting input that adults also require but are too repressed to ask for. That’s why Transformers had two sequels.

Yeah, we needed more backstory or whatever.

Why am I on about this? Because Betty Lou, our circulation librarian can not seem to grasp the simple concept that The Great Gatsby might be a poor choice for our story time. I do not want to complain about Betty Lou. She has been forced into a position as story time coordinator after our last children’s librarian disappeared, but I fail to see how she can fail so spectacularly at such a simple task. She does so well at her circulation duties, even streamlining service through strategic bin placement, but the woman can not grasp the concept of “read picture book.”

Donation Goes to Librarian’s Lunch

A donation to the Banned Library today went towards one librarian’s lunch. Fred Stevens, 62, donated ten dollars to the Banned Library today, telling librarian Betty Lou to spend it on something that would make members of the community happy.

“Well, I know I would be more on top of my game and give better service if I was well fed, so I went down to the Bannville Corner Diner and had myself a Rueben with extra sauerkraut, hold the Thousand Island. I even used the change to bring Evan back some cheese fries even though he’s getting a little heavy lately,” Betty Lou said.

When asked if he knew about the misappropriation of funds, director Evan Banned had no comment and was last seen asking to see Betty Lou in his office. An empty basket with french fry grease could be seen in the trash.

‘Knock Knock’ Joke Causes Library Closure

The Banned Library was closed early today after a librarian read a ‘knock knock’ joke online. The librarian, Betty Lou, then told the joke to everyone in the library.

“It was just so cute and funny,” Betty Lou said, “I had to share it. I did not know where it would lead.”

Betty Lou’s telling of the joke became very popular around the community. People began to come into the library, crowding the entry level until regular business could not continue.

“Everyone was so insistent on hearing Betty Lou tell the joke that we put her on the second floor with the PA mic, but the force of the ‘Who’s there?’ caused the banister to rattle. We had to call in local police to clear the building and Betty Lou was escorted home,” Evan Banned, director, said.

Betty Lou claimed she would email the joke to everyone in town as soon as she calms down. The library is expected to open with regular hours tomorrow.

To hear Betty Lou’s knock knock joke, listen to Sunday’s Banned Library Podcast.

Local College Students Remember the Town Has a Library

As finals week begins, dozens of local college students from the Banned County Polytechnic and Library School were reminded this week that their town has a library. Staff of the library expect their numbers to jump as more students come in to get away from the heat, enjoy the free wifi, and study like there’s no tomorrow.

“We have this rush ever year around this time,” Librarian Betty Lou says, “All you can do is keep the trash cans empty, hope the computers don’t go down, and keep the stressed-out, horny sons of bitches from screwing in the bathroom.”

As the library functions as both the public and the school’s library, the staff has spent the last week prepping the collection with updated materials they hope the students will chose over Wikipedia.

Record Numbers at Banned Library Easter Party

The Banned Library is happy to report record numbers at last Saturday’s Easter Party despite several questionable activities occurring. Nearly 400 bodies walked into the library and participated throughout the day with nearly half staying the entire day.

“We were very excited and a little worried about the turnout,” Evan Banned, director of the library, said, “I am not sure that many people have been in this building at one time ever. At the time, I think we hid nearly 350 eggs in and around the library. I think we got them all...”

Betty Lou, circulation librarian, was given rave reviews for her one-woman original play “Bunnies in the Library.” The contents of the play, kept in secret until the double performance on Saturday, can only be seen to be believed. Betty says that she will shelve the play despite its critical reception as she begins working on her next piece, “Library, Bloody Library.”

The day was not without trouble though. An unidentified individual allegedly provoked the old horse at the petting zoo run by the Bannville Meat Processing and Petting Zoo Company in the parking lot and was bitten on the leg. Several people were also taken to the hospital for headaches related to vinegar fumes.