Cold New Year: Part Five

I have gone over my familiarity and issues with the Bannville Police Department. Captain Robert Stein and I have a healthy relationship built on trust and a mutual wish that the public remain safe and informed. Detective Gerald Parker and I just plain hate each other. Such is life.

I turned to look at the two of them. They were in dress uniform, the blue dark and clean highlighted by the bright yellow ribbons and chevrons that denoted each man’s rank. They looked damn impressive. Stein had his head shaved bald, the lights overhead gleaming in his dark skin. Parker, a head shorter than the other man had his blonde hair cut with the usual buzz that made me want to touch it to see if it stuck out like that on its own. I held up my small plastic plate and offered each man a cookie.

They declined.

Questionable Questioning

My mom really likes murder mysteries, especially ones where random events or clues are put together at the end to solve the case. Since I was young she always read the newest Mary Higgins Clark, often breaking the street date. My introduction to television was not Sesame Street but Perry Mason, then Matlock, then Law & Order in every flavor. The first book series I can remember her turning me onto was Encyclopedia Brown.

I do not think she likes it when she is in one, though. Especially when her baby boy, me, is the chief suspect.

‘Knock Knock’ Joke Causes Library Closure

The Banned Library was closed early today after a librarian read a ‘knock knock’ joke online. The librarian, Betty Lou, then told the joke to everyone in the library.

“It was just so cute and funny,” Betty Lou said, “I had to share it. I did not know where it would lead.”

Betty Lou’s telling of the joke became very popular around the community. People began to come into the library, crowding the entry level until regular business could not continue.

“Everyone was so insistent on hearing Betty Lou tell the joke that we put her on the second floor with the PA mic, but the force of the ‘Who’s there?’ caused the banister to rattle. We had to call in local police to clear the building and Betty Lou was escorted home,” Evan Banned, director, said.

Betty Lou claimed she would email the joke to everyone in town as soon as she calms down. The library is expected to open with regular hours tomorrow.

To hear Betty Lou’s knock knock joke, listen to Sunday’s Banned Library Podcast.

Children Go Missing After Hunting for Viking Pirate Treasure

Five children have been reported missing after they ran away sometime yesterday. Reports say they were on the hunt for “The Lost Treasure of Eric the Three-Toed.”

The children’s names have not been released due to their age, but some information has been gathered that lead to the disappearance. The group recently found a map in the Banned Library during the recent Easter egg cleanup. After closer inspection, the director of the library Evan Banned identified the map as one belonging to Eric the Three-Toed, a famed viking pirate that sailed the rivers of Mississippi during the 1600s.

“The map was part of a collection our late reference librarian Brenda put together,” Banned said, “Brenda was very interested in the Mississippi viking population and an extensive amount of materials were gathered, including the map and a key-shaped object that has also disappeared from the collection. When I identified the map and key and told the children the legend of the lost treasure, they became very excited. I never thought they would be dumb enough to actually go after it.”

Further investigation reveals that the recent theft of a little girl’s frilly bicycle may have something to do with the matter. Sources believe the children may have gone after the treasure to pay for the mortgage on the land near the Opal River where they live. The land and all their houses are to be demolished at the end of the week by an evil land developer to make way for casinos.

The Bannville Police Department and Bowling Center are offering free shoe rental and half priced nachos for any information about the missing children.

Local Man Downloaded Pirated Paula Deen Recipes

Police are asking anyone with information on Paul M Denopolis to please contact the Bannville Police Department and Bowling Center.

Denopolis, 66, is sought for questioning for downloading nearly 100 gigabytes of Paula Deen recipes from Banned Library computers. Librarians noticed the large spike in bandwidth over the last week and tracked it down to computers Denopolis had used. Technical support is baffled at how much information is available on the celebrity chef and attribute it to large amounts of hot air in the server.

“While not a criminal matter, the detectives in charge of the case are anticipating a civil matter and not taking any chances,” Police Chief Mark Pennington said, “We expect this matter to resolve itself any day now.”

Contact was attempted with celebrity chef Paula Deen about the matter, but we got tired and simply asked a stick of butter. The butter had nothing to say.

The Bannville Police are offering a reward of 3 free frames for any information.

Local Lawyer Sought in Questioning Over Library Fire

Police officers are on the lookout for Jesse Oldman, 26, the leading suspect of arson at the Banned Library.  Oldman, as reported in an earlier article, has been running a legal practice from the library meeting rooms.

Officials from the Bannville Fire Department and Hunt Club were summoned to the Banned Library around 3pm to help with a small fire in one of the library's meeting rooms.

"We thought he was a bit odd," library director Evan Banned said, "But the rooms are there for the public to meet, hence the name meeting rooms.  Funny thing is he never really met anyone in there and the rooms always smelled of insecticide after he left.  Then today as he ran out screaming about spiders.  After a moment we noticed the smoke."

The fire was quickly brought under control.

Oldman is 5'10'', brown hair and green eyes.  Bannville Police have released a statement that any information leading to the capture of Oldman will result in thirty free frames at the Bannville Police Department and Bowling Center.