Modern Day Pirate Finds Treasure, Fails to Save Children

The treasure of Eric the Three-Toed has been unearthed by a local computer pirate at the cost of several children’s lives. Paul M Denopolis, 66, was found near the Opal River caves where the treasure has been hidden for nearly 1300 years.

Denopolis made news last week when he pirated Paula Deen recipes at the Banned Library. Denopolis had gone into hiding at the Old Dirty Cabin Restaurant when several children interrupted his meal last Thursday. The children have been identified as the same children that went missing last week. The man stopped using the restaurant’s free wifi to ask why they were so excited. He tells the story in his own words:

“They had this old map and a kinda key like thing. I told them they should just leave that old thing with me, but they insisted on looking for the treasure. I thought they were silly, especially when that older boy showed up with that frilly bike. Well, they went on down the hole in the basement so I chased... followed after them. It was horrible. One by one those little punks died by all those crazy traps. Why the hell was there traps down there anyway? So’s I followed them, like I said, trying to.. um... protect them... yeah, and they just all died. We woulda turned back but those kids just would not let me, even as they all died down there. Then we found all that treasure and the last kid, poor punk, he fell down and chopped himself six times with an old viking pirate ax. He just kept falling down.”

Denopolis has said he will use the treasure to pay off any court fees from his many piracy civil cases and to buy all the cookbooks he can find. The frilly bike has been identified as the same that was stolen last week from the library and was returned to owner Tina Smith. 

 
In related news, demolition has begun on the houses where the children lived by the evil land developer to build casinos.

Children Go Missing After Hunting for Viking Pirate Treasure

Five children have been reported missing after they ran away sometime yesterday. Reports say they were on the hunt for “The Lost Treasure of Eric the Three-Toed.”

The children’s names have not been released due to their age, but some information has been gathered that lead to the disappearance. The group recently found a map in the Banned Library during the recent Easter egg cleanup. After closer inspection, the director of the library Evan Banned identified the map as one belonging to Eric the Three-Toed, a famed viking pirate that sailed the rivers of Mississippi during the 1600s.

“The map was part of a collection our late reference librarian Brenda put together,” Banned said, “Brenda was very interested in the Mississippi viking population and an extensive amount of materials were gathered, including the map and a key-shaped object that has also disappeared from the collection. When I identified the map and key and told the children the legend of the lost treasure, they became very excited. I never thought they would be dumb enough to actually go after it.”

Further investigation reveals that the recent theft of a little girl’s frilly bicycle may have something to do with the matter. Sources believe the children may have gone after the treasure to pay for the mortgage on the land near the Opal River where they live. The land and all their houses are to be demolished at the end of the week by an evil land developer to make way for casinos.

The Bannville Police Department and Bowling Center are offering free shoe rental and half priced nachos for any information about the missing children.

Frilly Little Bicycle Stolen from Library by Teenager

A muscular teenager in workout gear was seen stealing a little girl’s frilly pink bicycle early this morning from the Banned Library.

“It was just like in that movie, The Goonies,” a witness said, “You know, when the older brother is going after the younger ones who have that treasure map and he steals the little girl’s bike? Man, that was a good movie. Speaking of treasure map, what ever happened to that Viking Pirate Treasure Map that was found during the library’s Easter Egg hunt cleanup?”

This is not the only bike that has been stolen from the library this year, just the only one that belonged to a little girl and was stolen by a teenager just like in an 80s movie.

Anyone with information should contact Tina Smith. A tea party may be in it for you.