Modern Day Pirate Finds Treasure, Fails to Save Children

The treasure of Eric the Three-Toed has been unearthed by a local computer pirate at the cost of several children’s lives. Paul M Denopolis, 66, was found near the Opal River caves where the treasure has been hidden for nearly 1300 years.

Denopolis made news last week when he pirated Paula Deen recipes at the Banned Library. Denopolis had gone into hiding at the Old Dirty Cabin Restaurant when several children interrupted his meal last Thursday. The children have been identified as the same children that went missing last week. The man stopped using the restaurant’s free wifi to ask why they were so excited. He tells the story in his own words:

“They had this old map and a kinda key like thing. I told them they should just leave that old thing with me, but they insisted on looking for the treasure. I thought they were silly, especially when that older boy showed up with that frilly bike. Well, they went on down the hole in the basement so I chased... followed after them. It was horrible. One by one those little punks died by all those crazy traps. Why the hell was there traps down there anyway? So’s I followed them, like I said, trying to.. um... protect them... yeah, and they just all died. We woulda turned back but those kids just would not let me, even as they all died down there. Then we found all that treasure and the last kid, poor punk, he fell down and chopped himself six times with an old viking pirate ax. He just kept falling down.”

Denopolis has said he will use the treasure to pay off any court fees from his many piracy civil cases and to buy all the cookbooks he can find. The frilly bike has been identified as the same that was stolen last week from the library and was returned to owner Tina Smith. 

 
In related news, demolition has begun on the houses where the children lived by the evil land developer to build casinos.

Local Man Downloaded Pirated Paula Deen Recipes

Police are asking anyone with information on Paul M Denopolis to please contact the Bannville Police Department and Bowling Center.

Denopolis, 66, is sought for questioning for downloading nearly 100 gigabytes of Paula Deen recipes from Banned Library computers. Librarians noticed the large spike in bandwidth over the last week and tracked it down to computers Denopolis had used. Technical support is baffled at how much information is available on the celebrity chef and attribute it to large amounts of hot air in the server.

“While not a criminal matter, the detectives in charge of the case are anticipating a civil matter and not taking any chances,” Police Chief Mark Pennington said, “We expect this matter to resolve itself any day now.”

Contact was attempted with celebrity chef Paula Deen about the matter, but we got tired and simply asked a stick of butter. The butter had nothing to say.

The Bannville Police are offering a reward of 3 free frames for any information.