5 Things to Make Sure of When Banning Someone from the Library (Plus a Form Letter)

Getting banned from a library is no easy task, as we have already seen.  Cunning, skill and perseverance reward you with the knowledge that you cannot enter one of the only places in town that accepts everybody.  But what goes on behind the scenes?  What do your faithful librarians do when you have spilled your soda in the fifth computer this week while whacking off to male goat embryos?

Lend an ear, cause I am going to drop some knowledge on your crazy ass:  They make sure they have you dead to rights with proof and then kick your ass to the curb, that's what they do.

Here's some steps for librarians to make sure your dumbass never comes near the hallowed stacks of knowledge ever again (and an example letter)

1  Make sure to get an accurate account of the actions that proceeded the decision to ban.
Librarians, incident reports are your friends.  I know that after a mini-nuclear explosion that can be the problem patron you just want to rest and regroup, but do not.  Fill out a report with the time, date, persons involved and everything that happened.  These reports will keep an accurate record of not only what happened, but when.  If one patron becomes a problem, the reports build up real fast and the decision to save public time and property is so much easier to make.  Also remember to add any police or emergency services reports to yours, as they could become valuable information later.

2  Make sure the professional staff are in agreement with the decision to ban.
The professional staff, and the para-professional for that matter, should always be on the same page when it comes to problem patrons.  Everyone should be able to identify the problem and agree that it is a problem.  Talk over the issue and reason.  People have bad days.  Hell, in this economy people have bad years.  That does not excuse bad behavior, but it does make the difference between an elderly man that has been laid off getting frustrated with online job applications and the weirdo licking the screen because he thinks that is how Scarlett Johansson likes it.

3  Make sure the governing body and legal council of the library knows about the ban
This goes along with the incident report section.  Part CYA and part "what had happened was," including the board of directors (or like assembly) in the loop causes this to be official, a good thing when what you are effectively doing is saying the person is trespassing on public property.  This allows the police to be called and gives legal reasoning for displacing someone from the building the next time his crazy ass shows up.  Also, it allows you to refer the person to a lawyer to do lawyer stuff instead of you the librarian doing police/lawyer stuff.
 
4  Make sure the patron being banned knows why they are banned
This is where it gets dicey.  A patron having a bad day calls the librarian on duty a "lying bitch that knows there are three more fucking copies of Veggie Tales in the back" and gets thrown out on his/her ass.  If he/she comes in the next day and nothing happens, eh, these things happen.  For some societies, getting thrown out of the library for the day is a test of manhood for teenagers.  But when you really need to toss someone out for good, you have to let them know.  The best way to do that is through a letter formally banning them from all library privileges and outlying the local trespassing laws.  Make sure it has pretty letterhead on it and signatures and what not.  If need be, have the letter notarized, delivered by police, and/or stapled to their forehead.  All the easier is if the police were involved, as they have a file all ready for your letter. A note on the letter:  Be short and direct.  Discussing the issue will only invite argument or more problems.  If the letter is being written, the decision has been made and nothing can change that.

5  Make sure to make copies
When you file your reports and letters, make copies of everything and keep them in a separate place, file or folder.  This is especially true for anything official, such as an incident report or a letter of bannedhood.  That way, if someone says, "Hey I didn't know (I, my brother, my child, my brother-child, etc.) was banned" you can show them that, yes, he was banned from the library for X and was told on DATE that we would fire him from a cannon if he ever showed his face again.  If they claim they never got the letter, make them a copy and show them the door.

Example Letter of Bannedhood:

 Dear Abraham Lincoln,

This letter is to inform you that your library privileges have been revoked by decision of library staff and the Board of Directors due to failure to comply with library policy and rules.  These privileges include access to all library materials, buildings and events.

Failure to comply will lead to legal action under the Galactic Trespassing Code of Stardate 65269.9.  For further information, contact our Old Timey Space Lawyer, Seymour Cratersnatch & Spawn. 

Librarian
Library Director
Head of Galactic Library Board
Important Guy #4

thanks to @bitchylibrarian cause she posed a question and gave me the idea

Knox County Bans Sex Offenders

Knox County Mayor Tim Burchett in Knox County, Tennessee has set forth an executive order to ban all sex offenders from entering public libraries.  Offenders may use resources from home or apply for a library card and have someone else come in to check out books for them.  Opponents to the order state that not all sex crimes are child related and these types of regulation may force sex offenders into not registering with the state.  WBIR

As my grandma used to say, "His heart's in the right place but his butt's in the fire.  Bring me my whiskey, boy."  How the hell are they going to tell if people are sex offenders when they walk in the library?  They can not come in, so it is not like they can register with the library.

Burchett eloquently states "The time to shut the barn doors is before the cows get out. After you have an event where there is an abduction or a kid molested in a bathroom, it's too late."  Okay, good point if not worded with a barnyard flair, but what about those people that do not pose a threat to children?  Do the folks that showed their breasts at a protest or took a picture of their own children in the bathtub deserve the same treatment as pedophiles and rapists?  What do you have against boobs and babies?  I thought everyone likes to look at boobs and babies.

Oh, side note:  can we put those Jersey Shore idiots on the sex offender list so they'll put their shirts back on and shut up?  How about just Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton?  They knew what they weren't wearing when they stepped out of those limos.  Maybe the paparazzi so we do not have to see them anymore?

Sherlock Holmes Banned In Virginia For Bashing Mormans

Last week the Albemarle County School Board voted to ban Sir Author Conan Doyle's "A Study in Scarlet" because they claim it contains derogatory comments about Mormanism.

Well boo-frickin-hoo.  One book makes a few comments about a random religion and you go all ban happy?  I can list you at least 100 books that were banned for better reasons than that.  These books take on whole races, creeds, ideas, and religions far more powerful than a folks who ride bikes, dress alike, and wake me up too early by knocking on my door to tell me they believe that a guy in the sky sent Jesus to hop the pond and talk to Indians.  I wonder why the logic loving Holmes wouldn't like them?

LATimes     DailyProgress

Homeless to Be Turned Away from Bethlehem Public Library, Insert "No Room at the Library" Joke Here

Please, sir.  I can haz Internetz?

The Bethlehem Public Library of Bethlehem, PA has had to revise their policies that allegedly targeted their transient (i.e. homeless) population. The library administration feels the transients have begun to drive away regular patron use.  Local transient advocates feel that the rules, including rules regarding sleeping, having sleeping bags, and having offensive body odor, target the transients the advocates bus to the library and drop off.

There are many ways to be banned from a library.  Simply being homeless is not one of them.  A public library is just that, public.  My heart goes out to anyone in this economy that has lost a roof over their head.  The library is a community place where many often spend all day honestly doing nothing and that is okay.  Whether or not the Bethlehem Public Library went too far and far too specific with their "policies" and should have just handled each incident as it came up is not for me to say. *cough*

The problem with this is not the homeless themselves.  I have a problem with the people that treat adults like children.  Picking anyone up and dropping them off at a public location to spend the day without supervision is the act of a negligent parent, not community outreach.  This is like dropping adults off at the playground and getting pissed when they cannot get on the swings.

The library is a community institution.  It is not a day care for anyone.  It is not a daylight motel.  If other patrons complain about another patron's smell, activities, or general behavior, the library must attend to them.  If you have taken the responsibilty of getting a person of any age from point A to B, then you should also make sure they are bathed, well rested and do not have to carry their whole lives on their backs. 

And for God sakes, if your town is named "Bethlehem," don't get into trouble that lends itself to so many easy jokes I can't pick just one.

[lehighvalleylive]

Vonnegut Library to Give Students Books, Not Take Them Away

I feel like I may have slacked a bit and for that I apologize.  For a website called Banned Library, I have overlooked an important issue that has happened in the past week.  A Missouri school district banned several books, including the classic Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut.  I did give a small retweet on the subject, but that was not enough.  Now I hear that the Vonnegut Library is offering free copies of the book to students of that school and my heart swells.

When I was younger, I had the great fortune and honor to hear Mr. Vonnegut speak.  I was a dumb high school kid with visions of writing the great American novel and yet had not read enough to know who the hilarious and cultured man on the stage was.  I only went because my art teacher gave me credit to give a short review of the speech.  The man on stage drawing on a chalk board and telling jokes changed my life, in how I view books, plots, characters, authors, and the people around me, the audience.  Afterward, I read most if not all of Mr. Vonnegut's books, some I got from the local library and some I scrounged from used book stores.  This man changed my life when I was young, stepped in at the right time and told me what literature should be, could be and was.  I am forever grateful.  I am sorry, Mr. Vonnegut, for allowing this injustice to pass.  Everyone should be allowed contact with your art, your message that the world is a strange, upsetting, hilarious mess. 

To the school district in Republic, Missouri: May you be humbled that while you refuse to teach your children the ways of the world, the world does not give a damn and will teach them anyway.  Please prepare them with our best weapons: books.

"If what Billy Pilgrim learned from the Tralfamadorians is true, that we will all live forever, no matter how dead we may sometimes seem to be, I am not overjoyed. Still--if I am going to spend eternity visiting this moment and that, I'm grateful that so many of those moments are nice."
- Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five

If Only My Bar Would Do This; Restaurant Bans Kids Under 6

Single people will dread your arrival.

McDain's Restaurant in Pennsylvania has started a new policy that will ban all children under the age of six.  The restaurant's owner, Mike "My Hero" Vuick, states that the rule is made because kids have disturbed other patrons with their loud, uncontrollable behavior. [HuffingtonPost]

At least one of my be-kidded friends said that this was "horrible" and "unconstitutional".  To be fair, another looked at her kid in his Spider-Man jammies yelling and fighting a tree at three in the afternoon, "I get it."  As a librarian, former restaurant employee, and childless dude who likes to drink without little eyes judging me, I fully agree.

In fact, I would like to push this for libraries.  No, not ban kids out right.  I would keep them in their place, the children's department.  You want kids on computers? Put computers where their books and materials are.  You want kids to not read adult materials?  Make'um stick to the area with the kid's books.  You want to use the library for serious means?  Bring a friend to watch your kid in the damn children's department.  

I may have gotten too worked up about this.  I like kids.  Just not while I'm eating, working, researching, playing Angry Birds, breathing, and/or getting my drink on. 

How to Get Banned From a Library

Becoming banned is somewhat of an interesting notion.  Every day you read about video game accounts or blog commenters being banned for inappropriate usage or content.  Hell, Twitter even has a "block" button to just shut someone right the hell out of your online life.  But just as in every other area of life, the "real" world is harder to manage than the virtual.  Here are some ways you can be ejected from a library, based on real world examples.  Hint:  Disrupt library service to other patrons.

1.  Be all stinky.

Last year, Stuart Penman was banned from his local library after several complaints from patrons and staff about his odor.  Unlike others on this list, he will allowed back if his hygiene improved, but I could not find a follow-up, although I imagine the title of the article could be "Man Takes a Bath, Allowed to Stalk Ex on Facebook Again."  

2.  Show some dirty pics and (allegedly) punch a cop

Lawrence Delaney is a Selectman candidate banned from entering a library where a debate was being held. Why?  Because he showed staff dirty photos and created a disturbance at an earlier time.  He was known for his inappropriate behavior, at one point in an unrelated incident away from the library allegedly hitting a police officer.  Remember folks, you get a bad reputation after allegedly assaulting a police officer, even if you are 82 (did I not mention that?).  With that type of reputation, you may be misunderstood even if that Playmate is your granddaughter (it wasn't?).

3.  Go all Jesus on the place.

Caleb Hanson was banned from his library system for telling others about Jesus.  The sixteen year old would approach people as they entered the library and begin going all missionary on their asses.  While most libraries in general do not have a problem with religion and the speaking thereof, they do have a problem with blocking traffic and bothering people.  When Caleb was asked to stop bothering other patrons, he just kept on, so the library banned him for six months from checking out materials.  

4. Be all Jesus on the place

Photo supplied by Lord Jesus Christ via masslive.com
S/He's on the left.

 “I’m black, I’m transsexual and my name is Lord Jesus Christ."  'Nuff said. 

Actually, his name is Lord Jesus Christ III and he was banned for disruptive behavior from the Clapp Memorial Library.  I have no comment, sometimes this stuff just writes itself.