5 Exercises You Can Do In the Library

Time to Pump. (Clap) You Up!

Getting exercise this time of year is difficult.  The holiday weight is still there, the gym is calling, but the cold says, "Stay at home under this warm quilt and spread disease to your loved ones."  Well, I am here to tell you that you can get in shape just by doing chores around the library.  Here are the five exercises you can do in the library:

Exercise #1: Stretch in the Stacks

As you shelve those books that seem to appear from nowhere at every table, take the time to do some basic stretches.  If the book is low, do not bend your knees but attempt to lean all the way down and feel the burn.  Low books can also give you a reason to squat to stretch out your thighs.  If the book is up high, do not use that stool!  Reach for it!  Make sure to keep your own spine straight as you straighten those book spines!

 (Also remember to keep an eye out for Moe the Hobo.  He may enjoy watching this too much.)

Exercise #2: The Book Cart Push

Here we begin the whole body workout.  Legs, butt, back and arms can all be utilized when pushing and pulling a book cart laden with heavy volumes.  All you have to do is find a cart, a bunch of books that do not have to be shelved right away, and start pushing and pulling it around the library.  Remember when starting to use your legs more to push.  The best part is you can always take off or add books to target the amount that makes you most comfortable but still gives you that burn.  Also, you can always refuse to help another staff member by saying, "Sorry, got this cart." 

Avoid carts with big wheels, they will give you no resistance.

Exercise #3:  Book Pumping

Now let's target those hands and arms.  Again, we will use books to establish those grips and guns that will make the ladies swoon (or make the men feel uncomfortable shaking a woman's hand).  This one is also easy, simply carry a lot of heavy books.  No reason to be stupid about it by hauling a cart's worth of books in your hand, but a stack of ten or twelve volumes should give you a good work out.  As you get more comfortable carrying heavier loads, begin to lift them up and down as you go.  Also, for heavier books attempt to hold them in one hand, downward.  By adding more, heavier books, your grip will grow stronger, allowing you to eat walnuts at the circ desk to warn away potential problems.

This library director could hold five volumes of Britannica in one hand.

Exercise #4:  Child Crying Wind Sprints 

This is the cardio portion of the exercise routine.  Every time a child begins screaming bloody murder, take off in that direction as fast as possible.  Even if you know the child is fine, annoying, but fine, take off.  Not only will this give you a faster reaction time, but you will get that heart pumping and the blood moving.

This big baby will nearly kill you with his drama.

Exercise #5:  Start a Bookcart Drill Team

Not only will working with others be fun and rewarding, but you will have others to push you when you slip.  Remember, health is rewarding, but not as rewarding as this:

Do you have any library exercises?  Let me know on @bannedlibrary for twitter or email at bannedlibrary@gmail.com


Images (all images copyright their respective company and website):
Hanz and Franz
Library Shelver
Book Cart
Godfather
The Dawson

Survey Says: Phone Books on the Way Out

A typical phonebook (image from holytaco)

According to a survey reported in this USA Today article, seven out of ten adults rarely ever use a phone book anymore.  And why should they?  With the Internet connecting computers, smartphones, and Moe the Hobo's tooth fillings, all the information is smack dab in your face.  Often, advertisers shove this information in your face before you even want it.  Even in a library setting, the only time I use a phone book is when I want to show a patron exactly how I am magically finding the answer.  

Was this survey really necessary?  I think it almost works as an expose on the phone companies in general.  This shows that they are wasting money on a defunct reference material that while 20 years ago was a fixture right below the old rotary dialer was shoved aside the second everyone started sticking those weird flashing light things in their ears.  If phone books stopped being published, the only people that would notice would be the companies themselves, as even most libraries have a redundant reverse directory often published by a different company.  Viva la revolution! Down with the phone book!  

Aside:  I know that those weightlifter dudes who tear phone books for Jesus would also notice.  But we have better books for them to tear.  I am looking at you The Twilight Saga Complete Collection and A Shore Thing.

Holidays at the Library

The holiday season is a magical time for the library.  All is transformed by gaudy displays of lights, fake tree branches, and that most hateful of all, cheer.

Here's my definition of cheer

So here we are, the holiday season.  Is your library prepared?  


1. Decorations
The first thing you want to start with is the crap on the walls.  Not literally, that's Moe the Hobo's thing and he does not work here.   I am talking about the fake tree branches, the pictures of jolly old fat men, and little chotchkies spread around the library.  

This should be your reference desk.

Once all the stockings are hung and everything is in place, sit back and think about what more could be put around the library.  Little dancing Santas are a good touch, especially if they are the kind that come on with noise.  Nothing like little red suited spies to show the patrons they are disturbing others, am I right?

2. The Tree
The center piece of all festivities should be second on your list, only if because this gaudy monstrosity from pagan times can illicit random comments from the uneducated about the true meaning of the season.

Yep, this is the reason for the season... or a detraction of the true meaning.  Whatever, don't let it dry out.

This joyous symbol of the season can be a center piece to your mastery of the holiday.  Adorn with lights, ribbons and various ornaments depicting literary characters, this tree can become a main attraction for most libraries.  Or a giant fire hazard in the middle of the city's biggest fire hazard.  

Told ya.

3. Carolers

Has anyone in libraries ever worked in a retail center or restaurant during the holidays?  If you have, you know one truth in this life:  Christmas carols are mind-numbingly, bone-crunchingly, debilitatingly horrid way of torture that drives anyone with half a brain into a mindless drone after the second repeat of the CD.  The ONLY ways Christmas carols should be delivered are either in short, one-off playings or by live singers.

Even if it is your local LARPing group...

4. Santa
As the center of the community that has no major department store or mall, the library can be the only place to host a scary man in a red suit who likes children to sit in his lap.  Let that sink in for a moment.

Yep.  Sinking in...

Images
Liquor pic
Xmas decorations pic
Tree pic
Tree fire pic
Carolers pic
Santa pic