Top Ten Worst Movies I Have Ever Seen!

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Exhibit A

Welcome to The Top Ten Worst Movies I Have Ever Seen by Banned Library for the Worst Movies Ever! Blogfest.

Oh, how I love a good bad movie.  Gore, schlock, random nudity, bad characters and dialog that allows my friends and I to become the cast of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and pop jokes off at the screen.  I love those movies in a dirty way.

But then there are other movies.   Movies so pretentious, over done or just so horrible that you say, "What the fuck is this shit?"

I did not include any sequels or remakes on my list.  That was not part of the Blogfest rules but something I added because I feel a bad sequel or remake is a particular form of bad movie.  A bad sequel, like myself, can be seen as inferior because it is compared to its greater, older brother.  I want these movies to suck on their own merit, not in the shadow of others.  I also have great luck in avoiding bad movies, so this list does not include such gems as Battlefield Earth or Norbit. 

So here they are: The 10 Worst Movies I Have Ever Seen.

 

10. Vanilla Sky

I put this movie on the list for a definite reason: Cameron Diaz.  She wrecked this movie like she wrecked that car.  But she is not alone in the suckage that is VS.  Cruise acts his way into a paper bag and the plot is as forgettable as it is twisty.  The only part I remember liking about this movie was Kurt Russell.  Okay, maybe naked Penelope Cruz, but that was before you could see her naked in anything.  A too-long, boring movie about a guy that does not like his face.

9. Magnolia

Oh, holy hell, how I wanted to like this movie.  I remember renting this with my roommate 10 years ago and having to pay extra because it came on two VHS tapes.  Yeah, that was just the start of the night.  Then, half way through we take out the first tape and excitedly discuss what we had seen and what it might mean and we put in the second tape and blah.  Just blah.  Beautifully-shot, well-acted and quotable as hell, but a bore-fest that fell flat in every way as it reached the end.

8. Batteries Not Included 

 I hated these little robots.  I was about six when I walked out of the theater and pronounced this the worst movie I had ever seen.  Note at this point I had loved Back to the Future, Transformers: The Movie and Secret of NIMH, so I knew what I was talking about.  Cocoon meets E.T. with some B.S. added in takes this movie out of charming and into banal.

 

7. The Island of Dr. Moreau

To hell with this movie.  Yes, I was watching this movie as part of a bet that I could stay in the mall from opening to closing (14hrs), but even I almost walked out of this endurance test of a movie.  The makeup was horrible and borderline grotesque, especially on an overweight and over-indulged Marlon Brando.

 

6. Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter  

 Little back story here:  My friend and I had this movie as a running joke for 2 years before we finally tracked down a copy.  We walked into the video store and as I reached for a copy of Buffy Season 4, I heard my buddy say, "Say... Do you have independent titles?" Then he asked the clerk if she had this movie.  Apparently, someone had ordered it, but never come to claim it.  I now know why and my buddy has attempted give this movie away no more than 12 times.  Here's the plot, in case you almost want to see this:  Jesus Christ is brought back for the rapture, but before that he has to kill all the vampires who are killing lesbians to wear their skin so they can walk in the sun.  He does.  The end.  This is the only movie I have ever said would be better with nudity, because at least then there would be something you would like to see on the screen.

 

5. The River Wild 

 This is the first movie I ever walked out on.  Plot? According to IMDB: "Meryl Streep takes on a pair of armed killers while navigating a spectacularly violent river."  Here's a little tip, if a great actor or actress is in a wildly dumb premised movie, don't go see that movie.  Unless it has Nicholas Cage.  Only Nick Cage can pull that off.  I will see any movie with a plot that starts, "Nicholas Cage..."  He is the only actor alive that can navigate those waters.

 

4. Cool World 

 This Roger Rabbit on crack might as well have been filmed while it was being drawn.   Nothing about this movie is enjoyable, from the erratic acting to the poor animation.  When Brad Pitt is your straight man against an animated Kim Basinger named "Holly Would," you did something wrong, movie.

 

3. Hostel 

 This movie has everything I hate about these so-called "horror" torture porn movies.  #1, Scary is not the same as grossed out or uncomfortable.  I do not have the fear that weirdos will kill me for sport if I go to another country.  I DO have the fear that a shark will eat me if I go swimming in the ocean (thanks, Jaws.) #2, I have to like someone if you want me to care when they die.  Why is that hard to understand?  #3, If a death is on screen and you don't care what I think about the person dying, make it memorable.  I've watched Freddy, Jason, and others kill lots o' folks and had a good time doing it because it was meant to be fun (slashers are more comedy than horror).  If I want someone to die in a realistic way, I will watch your mom's wedding night video, Eli Roth.

 

2. Garfield 

 I hate Mondays and Garfield.  I heard "Bill Murray as Garfield" and was there.  Then I walked right the hell out of the theater, the second of only three movies I have ever walked out on (River Wild, this one, and the next one).  Milo and Otis had better CGI than this.

 

1. Catwoman 

 Fuck this movie.  Last movie I have ever walked out on, only movie I ever walked out on twice.  I walked back in, saw Berry licking milk or Sharon Stone in plastic face or something and walked right back out.

Honorable Mentions

I include a few honorable mentions because there are movies I hated based on either the pretention involved or the mis-use of the license but do not consider them among the "worst movies I have ever seen" if only because I had a good time watching them.

The Wall - Good in arty way but I can not sit through it.  Even on the best liquid LSD I ever had, I still disliked this movie.

House of 1000 Corpses - A re-tred of Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequels.  There was no fun in this movie to be had, but the gore and characters were very 70s/early 90s horror, which I can respect.  Plus I hated Halloween remake but I can not talk about that movie because it was a remake so I am venting my frustrations on H1KC.

Twilight - I took my exgirlfriend (who was totally on Team Edward) to this moive.  She got very mad at me for laughing during the entire thing.  We broke up.  I regret nothing.  This movie and book series is a horribly awful phenomenon which would have been on par with Airplane! and Not Another Teen Movie if it had meant to be a comedy.

Bebe's Kids - They should die, not multiply.  There are very funny bits of this movie centered around a horrible cast of unlikeable assholes.

Spice World - This craptastic movie came out in a very sensitive part of my childhood.  They had boobs.